yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
