no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.