He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
