Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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