I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
