Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
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It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
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Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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