I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Randomize
