the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
