He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
