I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
