"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
