So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
