you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
