he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
