I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
