I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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