Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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