2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
