Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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