I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
