I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
