God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
