Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
