Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
