I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
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