There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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