What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
