I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
