How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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