guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm passing your future prison.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
