Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
