I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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