whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
me + whiskey = a bad person
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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