I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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