nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
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