the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
