my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
