Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
