I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
