i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
