I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
