I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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