Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Michael Bay diarrhea
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
