she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
