i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
