cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
