I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
