if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Just pee around me
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
