I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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