I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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