I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
