Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
So squirting runs in the family.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
