He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
