have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
