He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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