Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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