Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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